Fighting Dirty Page 19

  “Hi, honey,” her mother said, closing the door behind her. JL had ordered food, and they were going to have dinner. “Fritos? I thought you ordered Italian?”

  JL poured the crumbs from the bag into her mouth before tossing it away. “Yep,” she said with a mouthful. “Got hungry.”

  “Are you okay? Is it Enzo? You never want to talk about it.”

  JL served them food and motioned for her mother to sit. “I don’t know. I just want him to come back already.”

  “Have you told him that?”

  JL took a bite of her baked ziti. “No. I want him to come back because he wants to come back, not because he feels he has to come back.”

  Rita took a bite of her food, eyeing JL curiously. “Why would he feel he has to come back?”

  JL pushed her plate away and laid her head on the table. Rita quickly got up, moved around the table, and cautiously embraced her daughter. They had been getting along wonderfully, but it was still at arm’s length. JL had been very cautious about getting too attached to this new and improved Rita, and Rita had been following her daughter’s lead. But JL needed a hug and it was time to start letting some of those walls down, so she turned and hugged her mother back. “Mama, I’m pregnant,” JL sobbed.

  “I know, honey.”

  JL pushed back and stared at her mother. “You do? How?”

  “I remember how exhausted I felt when I was pregnant with you two, and I’ve noticed that you’ve been dead on your feet lately. Plus,” her mother added, screwing up her face, “you asked me to bring you two fish sandwiches with extra mustard the other day from McDonald’s, and I know you don’t like mustard. Besides, who orders a fish sandwich from McDonald’s?”

  JL gave a watery chuckle. “I know. It’s so weird.”

  “So are you crying because you’re pregnant or because Enzo left?”

  “Both. I want him to come home already. I want to know where we stand.”

  “You have to talk to him, honey. He’d be a fool not to snatch you right up, and from the few things you’ve told me, he’s a good man and he’ll do right by you.”

  “I really hope so, Mama.” JL wiped her face with her hands, and Rita went back to the other side of the table so they could finish their meal.

  “I brought you a little present,” Rita said when they finished the dishes.

  “You did?” JL was taken aback. Her mother had never, ever given her a present before.

  “It’s nothing. Just some things I saw today at the drugstore that made me think of you.” Rita reached into her purse and took out a hodgepodge of things: fuchsia nail polish, striped thigh-high stockings, Oreos, a scented candle, and a tube of bright red lipstick.” JL looked at the small pile on the table and broke down into an uncontrollable sob.

  “Oh, Mama,” she cried. “This is perfect. I love it.” She hugged her mother tightly.

  “It’s nothing, really. If I had more money, I’d—”

  “I wouldn’t want anything else. You sober and this pile of some of my favorite things…it’s perfect.”

  “You’re going to be such a great mother. I have no doubt that you’ll be the mother I never was. I am so sorry. I wish I could go back and change things.”

  “Mom—”

  “No, let me finish. I just need you to know that you make me proud, and anything that I’ve ever done to hurt you has nothing to do with you. It’s always been me and my mess-ups. In spite of everything, you’ve turned out to be the perfect daughter, sister, and friend, and I love you, JL. If I haven’t said it, I just…I want you to know that.”

  With tears, JL said something she hadn’t said to her mother in a long time: “I love you too, Mama.”

  The women hugged for some time and then Rita insisted that JL sit back and let her paint her nails with her new nail polish. It was as if they were making up for wasted time, and never had JL felt so loved. Her heart was full and she couldn’t wait to tell Enzo.

  Later that night Enzo texted her: Goodnight, love.

  I miss you, JL replied.

  —

  It was early the next morning, and JL was making coffee when her front door opened and closed. The only people who had keys to her apartment were Violet and Travis. “Hope you brought me donuts,” she yelled over her shoulder to whoever it was. When there wasn’t any answer, JL turned to see Travis just standing there holding his phone in his hand and looking alarmed. “What is it?” she asked as she slid down into a chair.

  “It was Jack,” Travis said, looking at his phone instead of her.

  He walked around the table, brought a chair to her side, sat down, and took her hand in his hand. He looked pale and stricken.

  “What? You’re scaring me.”

  “Something’s happened.”

  Her heart stopped, and she felt it plummet. “What?” she yelled.

  “It’s Mom. She overdosed.”

  JL exhaled. It was devastating that their happy relationship had been so short-lived, but she wasn’t exactly shocked. In fact, she was sort of relieved, because for a moment she thought something had happened to Enzo. “Damn. I thought she’d make it this time. It’s sad that I’m not shocked,” JL said, and awkwardly tapped her fingers on the table. “Which hospital is she in? Wonder how far out of it she is this time. Will she recognize us or—”

  The look on Travis’s face changed from sadness to something else.

  “Darlin’…” He shook his head and his eyes filled with tears. “Not this time.”

  “Wait, what? What do you mean, ‘not this time’?”

  “She died, JL. Mom died.”

  JL couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t even believe what he was telling her. Suddenly the room spun around and she felt the previous night’s dinner stir. The dinner she’d had with her mother. The dinner where they’d finally reconciled, where she’d told Rita she was pregnant, where they cried and laughed. “How…what?” Before she could formulate a complete thought, she stood and ran out of the room, barely making it to the bathroom before throwing up.

  “JL…” Travis was behind her, rubbing her back. “I’m sorry. I know you always held out hope.” It felt as if she’d expelled the contents of her stomach and then some. Her throat burned, her eyes stung, but she was too stunned to process anything that Travis was saying.

  JL wasn’t sure how she ended up in bed or how much time had passed, but when she woke up Violet was next to her. “You feeling better?” Violet asked JL.

  “Did I dream it?”

  Violet ran her hand across JL’s forehead; her eyes were red and her lips downturned, and JL knew what Violet was going to say before she said it. “I’m sorry, honey. I wish you’d dreamed it. I know you were getting closer to Rita. With what you’ve told me, you had some good weeks with her.”

  “How could she? You don’t understand, Vi. Last night she was so happy, she did my nails!” JL sat up. She was shivering, her teeth clanked together. “S-she t-told me she loved me. Oh God, I’m s-so cold.”

  “You’re probably dehydrated.” Violet got under the covers and held her best friend, who was shaking violently.

  “T-travis?”

  “He went to make arrangements.”

  “W-what?” JL shot up from bed. “He d-doesn’t even know w-what fl-flower—”

  “Honey, calm down.” Violet pulled her back down. “I think you might be in shock. You need to breathe. You’re shaking and you’re really pale.”

  “Shock? No. Th-this isn’t shocking. W-what’s shocking is that I fell f-for it. Oh!” JL covered her face with her hand and ran to the bathroom before she could finish her thoughts. She had nothing left in her stomach, and she thought briefly that the dry heaves might have been worse than throwing up. “W-why couldn’t she just stay clean?”

  “JL.” She could hear Violet speaking, but it was as if she was hearing her underwater. Violet’s voice was faraway and muffled, and JL’s head was spinning.

  “JL, sit down.” Violet helped her to the floor and p
laced a wet towel on her forehead. “Honey, you’re probably completely dehydrated.” Violet pulled her phone and began typing something as JL curled herself into a ball on the cold tile floor.

  “Don’t feel so good,” she mumbled. “So tired.”

  “I know, honey,” Violet said, then spoke into the phone, but JL couldn’t understand what she was saying because her ears were buzzing, her head was throbbing, and there were spots surrounding her vision. And then complete darkness.

  Chapter 18

  JL woke up in a hospital with an IV connected to her arm.

  “JL?”

  Slowly she flickered her eyes open to see a completely disheveled Travis sitting by her bed. “You scared the shit out of me!”

  “What happened?”

  The curtain was pulled aside and Chrissy, Jack’s wife and a doctor, came in. “She’s awake. Travis, mind stepping out for a moment? I need to check her vitals.”

  “Uh, yeah, sure.” Travis leaned down and kissed JL’s forehead. “Glad you’re better, sis. Don’t you ever do that shit to me again, you hear? Love you.”

  “Love you better,” she croaked.

  Once Travis was out of the room, Chrissy sat on the bed and patted JL’s knee. “So, we ran some blood tests, and you were dehydrated and—”

  “Pregnant,” JL finished.

  “You knew?”

  “Not officially, but…yeah.”

  “You had a big loss, JL. Things like that are hard to deal with. I remember how terribly I coped with my father’s death. I don’t know what you plan on doing with the baby or if the father knows, but—”

  “I’m keeping it.”

  “As I said, I ran some blood tests, and everything seems fine with you and the baby. Do you know how far along you might be?”

  “I just missed my period. Maybe four or five weeks along?”

  “Too early for an ultrasound, then. Plus, you’re not bleeding or anything. You were dehydrated and stressed,” Chrissy said. “You have another life to think about now. You need to take care of yourself. Even if the grief feels insurmountable you’ve got to think about the baby. Drink plenty of fluids, try to eat, rest, and try to control the stress as much as possible. You need to find yourself an ob-gyn soon, okay? I will give you some recommendations before I discharge you.”

  “Okay,” JL said, squeezing Chrissy’s hand. After a pause, she added, “Please don’t say—”

  Chrissy shook her head immediately. “Don’t worry. Doctor’s oath and a friend’s word. I won’t tell a soul.”

  A few hours later JL was being discharged from the hospital and Travis was helping her into her apartment. “The funeral’s tomorrow. Is there anything special you think I should do or that Mom would’ve wanted?”

  “No, I’m sure whatever you did is fine. I’m sorry I left you to do it all by yourself. I know you guys weren’t close, but she was still your mom. You must be hurting too.”

  Travis patted the space next to him on her couch. When she sat down next to him, he kissed the top of her head. “I came to terms with Mom a long time ago. You didn’t. I’m sad she’s dead because, shit, she was my mom. But more than that, I’m sad ’cause you’re sad. You’re my twin sister, JL, and when you hurt, I hurt. Don’t worry about me. Don’t be sorry about a thing. Just take care of yourself. You scared me today. You sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah. Nerves, I guess. I think I’m going to take a nap. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day,” she said. “I didn’t tell you before because I wanted to make sure she was really sober, but we’d gotten close in the last month. We had dinner a lot and we even went shopping. She was doing so well, Trav,” JL said, unable to control the tears.

  “I knew, darlin’.”

  “You did? Twin telepathy?”

  “No, I saw you at EE’s a few times,” he said with a slight chuckle. “I didn’t want to say anything because you’re a grown woman and I’ve warned you about her enough. I also know how much you’ve always craved a relationship with her. I watched you two from afar and she seemed better than I’d ever seen her. I trusted your judgment to do what you felt was right.”

  “And I was wrong,” JL said.

  “Were you?” Travis asked. “You had a great month with her. You made amends and you were happy. You got some sort of closure and I…” He cleared his throat. “She died thinking I hated her.”

  JL threw her arms around her brother. He was grieving more than she’d realized. “No. We talked about you. She knew how much she screwed up. She didn’t expect forgiveness. She was proud of you and she loved you very much. She knew you didn’t hate her. She knew you were staying away for self-preservation reasons. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t do the what-ifs thing. It’s not worth it and it won’t get you anywhere.”

  “Love you, sis. We’re going to be all right, you and I,” Travis said. “We’ve had it tough, but we’re fighters and things will be okay.” It was as if he was trying to convince himself, and it hurt her heart to see her twin brother struggling.

  “Of course they will, honey.” She hugged him back. “See you tomorrow, Travis.”

  So many thoughts swirled around in her head, but nothing was as prominent as the pregnancy and Enzo. She needed him. Not just because of the baby, but because there was no one else she wanted to be with right now through the tough times that lay ahead. But he hadn’t been back and it had been weeks already. She didn’t want to be with a man just because she was pregnant, but suddenly it felt imperative that he know about the baby. She picked up her phone and rang his number, but he didn’t answer. She sent a simple text: I need you, please call me. Then she dragged herself to her room and slept the rest of the day and well into the early morning.

  —

  JL felt totally alone even though everyone she knew was at the funeral. The morning was hot and muggy, as was the norm for Florida, and Enzo had not called her back, which made her nervous and sad. He should’ve been back by now. Hell, he knew that the pregnancy was a real possibility and he hadn’t even asked once about it.

  She felt numb, and all she wanted was to get home and hide under the covers. There was nothing anyone could say or do that could make her feel better; only time would make the pain in her chest feel less constricting. She was going through the motions, greeting people as they gathered by the entrance of the small church and listening to everyone’s pleasantries, giving the obligatory awkward smile. She was worried about Travis, who was standing quietly by her side in his black suit and matching Stetson.

  As she was about to walk inside the church for the commencement of the service, a cab pulled up. From it emerged Enzo, looking ragged and uncharacteristically disheveled. He handed the driver some money, then looked around until his eyes met hers. He set his luggage to the side and walked in long steps toward her.

  She didn’t want to need him. She didn’t want to need anyone, but for some reason seeing him was too much and the dam finally broke. He opened his arms and she threw herself on him, a long deep sob rushing out of her.

  “Shh. I’m here, baby,” he said, and she continued to weep. “I’m sorry about your mother, sweetheart.” She cried for what felt like hours as he held her in his arms. When she felt the tears subside a little he led her inside, where everyone had been patiently waiting for her.

  JL didn’t remember much about the service. It was very surreal. The only reason so many people were there was to support her and Travis. No one cared much about her mother, which just furthered JL’s sadness. Enzo held her hand throughout the entire service and was her anchor every time she felt herself losing her resolve to stay strong. He didn’t say much, but he didn’t need to. The fact he was there was all she needed.

  When the service ended and she was alone with Enzo, she finally asked, “Why are you here?”

  “Francesca called and told me about your mother. I tried to call you, but you were in the hospital. I took the first flight out. I just got here.”

  “I don’t know why I’m so
heartbroken. She was a terrible mother except for the last few weeks, when she seemed to really be trying. She even apologized. Told me she was proud of me and that she loved me.”

  He pulled her into his arms. “How could she not be proud of you? You’re an amazing woman, Jamie Lynn. And even if she had her faults, she was still your mother. Of course you’re going to be sad.”

  She pointed to the big wet spot by his shoulder. “I’m sorry for ruining your shirt.”

  “Not even a thing.”

  “Thank you for coming today, Enzo. I know that’s a long flight and you’re—”

  “I’m not leaving.” He placed his hand on the small of her back and led her to her car. She wasn’t sure what that meant. Not leaving the funeral? Not leaving Tarpon Springs? What was he not leaving?

  Enzo revved up his car and headed toward her apartment. “I texted you every day.”

  “I know.”

  “I missed you every day.”

  “Me too,” she admitted.

  “Why didn’t you answer? Are you still mad? I know I screwed up. I don’t know how else to tell you how sorry I am and how much I’ve worked on trying to fix it.”

  “Enzo, don’t.” She leaned her head back and looked out the window. Her mother was dead. She’d never see her again. The opportunity to make things better with her mother was over. There would be no tomorrow. There would be no more casseroles and manicure time. There would also not be any more worrying about whether Rita would stay sober this time or whether she would overdose. It was all over, and she was having a hard time reconciling how she felt about everything.

  “It’s important that you know,” he told her. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we’re very different. Maybe I shouldn’t have left, but I needed to fix the mess about the Walls. I don’t want to be the reason why you can’t do the thing you love the most.”

  “So this is about absolution? You feel guilty?”

  He parked the car and turned it off, then turned to her. “No, it’s just…it’s just that I don’t know if I was able to fix it, Jamie Lynn. I tried but…”